“Billy Beyrer (aka Whole Lotta Denim) is sorely missed. He totally broke his collarbone for real on the UCB Chelsea stage and kept performing for 10 whole minutes afterwards. I wish I had that kind of commitment. Plus he got WWE’s Mick frickin’ Foley to come to Cagematch, which was so rad!”
wow…..well I’m overwhelmed.
Recently I expressed my eye-rolling at the movie Bridesmaids getting academy award nominations to one of my closest friends. I found the flick to be quite overrated and a bit boring as hell when I saw it in theatres this summer. However, I am not the only one who had some discrepancies. My very good friend (and probably the funniest fucking woman I know) Stephanie Sottile, sent me this blow by blow as she sat through what Time magazine calls “…a turning point in feminism and comedy…”.
I laughed harder at this email from her while she watched the flick than I did during the movie’s entire absurdly long running time….enjoy.
“I decided to “live tweet” you as I’m watching the movie…here’s goes:
- She has no fucking personality. I don’t connect to her as an audience member or a woman
- She has no redeeming qualities whatsoever.
- Her mom can’t just SAY she’s hit bottom when we don’t see any evidence!!!
- Harry really thought she’d be the straight woman here. She’s definitely not. Bridget Jones can play awkward a million times better than this whore.
- The first 27 minutes of the film could’ve been cut out. It could’ve STARTED when she found out about the engagement.
- As always, the fucking bits go on forever. The one upping of her and the other pretty bridesmaid could’ve been about 5 minutes shorter. I also guessed the bit before it happened and what was going to happen.
- She got pulled over by the cop. I guessed he’d know her bakery and loved it. She’s going to end up fucking this cop, ain’t she?
- She’s baking! You lied…and they’re cute magenta colored. But I don’t feel sorry for her one bit about her failed fucking baking career. Look sad all you want in your dark kitchen, you fake moment creating cunt.
- I hate that Helen is obviously trying to one up Kristen Wiig. Why can’t she just be a good person so Kristen Wiig CAN look like the shittier person?
- That curly haired boy has better timing than anybody in this fucking film
- The girl from Reno 911 is awesome. And I hate Reno 911.
- Ah….the food poisoning scene I’ve heard so much about. Let’s see how this goes…
- There we go!!! Oscar worthy!! I fucking hate everybody involved in this film. Except for the girl from Reno 911…she’s still awesome.
- Kristen Wiig: “I’m not over 40.” —- YES YOU ARE!!!!
- I just checked the time and still have over an hour left!!! :(
- There has been absolutely NO insight into her character. None. I could give a fuck…I wanna know about the Reno 911 woman!!!!!
- Seriously….did she just makes a George Glass reference?!!? I was praying she wouldn’t say it. I was fucking praying
- There is absolutely no plot. I am bored out of my fucking mind.
- This cop is taking over the date scene and he’s awesome. I’m almost forgetting what an awful movie I’m watching.
- Oh man, I should be looking up the Reno 911 woman’s name on IMDB by now. Love love love her.
- Wendi McLendon-Covey. There we go…she should be on that fucking Oscar list
- Harry just laughed at something Kristen Wiig said…to which I said, “Now I’m officially better than you.”
- Second “fuck” of the movie…rated R.
- Ugh, shouldn’t they have landed by now. Why is this going on for so fucking long?!
- “Air Marshall Jon” is fatty’s husband?!
- Ahh! There we go! Finally some editing….the sex scene between her and the cop they actually cut!? No fucking 10 minute awkward scene about how he cant get her jeans off!?
- “Why would you bring baking supplies to me!? You know I can’t bake ever again!? HOW DARE YOU!”
- Let’s create a fucking problem for no reason to make some semblance of conflict since your movie has NO PLOT!!!!!
- Oh. My. God. “Yeah, you and your best friend aren’t going to be friends forever.” How fucking heavy handed does this have to be?!
- Being irrational, being immature, trying to one-up Helen, calling a teenage girl a cunt….every single bad thing that’s happened to her is completely justified and she deserves those things to happen to her because she’s a horrible fucking person with no redeeming qualities!!
- Wow, Maya Rudolph must’ve been pregnant, her tits are huge
- Now if Kristen Wiig’s character was actually charming and nice, I would probably be on her side when she freaks out at the bridal shower.
- The scene where fatty is wrestling with Kristen Wiig…Harry said that’s the Oscar clip they’re going to show at the ceremony
- Wait, she’s baking again? But she already baked something in the beginning, why is this a HUGE deal?!
- Helen apologizing, and Kristen Wiig is like “no, I don’t feel sorry for you.” Well, we don’t feel sorry for you, you dumb cunt with no redeeming qualities.
- Oh my God, still an hour and 48 minutes in….how much longer?
- i never thought I’d never say this…Bride Wars is better written. The husbands say something, there’s a real plot, the characters are much better established and them clashing together is GRADUALLY built…never thought I’d say that.
- Dancing sequence with Wilson Phillips….of course.
- Harry is making me watching me watch the credits…ugh
Somehow in the last decade, New Year’s Eve hasn’t exactly been the greatest of times for me. Rather than signify a new beginning it has come to be synonymous with absolute pain, both physical and emotional. And I’m afraid this year is no different.
From having my heart figuratively shatter as I proposed to a woman I had loved since I was 17 only to have it all crumble down like Parkinson’s Jenga, to having my heart literally shatter as EMT workers had to fucking revive me on the floor of the Regal Kaufman Astoria. New Year’s Eve hasn’t exactly been a lavishly romantic celebration of the upcoming future that it normally comes to symbolize.
This year I find myself sitting at home, massively uncomfortable with my right arm in a sling, barely able to sleep and unable to afford to feed myself let alone a night on the town for a “holiday” that warrants it. It’s my very own New Year’s Eve Party with the overlying theme of unadulterated self pity. Since my collarbone injury in November, my insurance has been canceled. A place I’ve worked for almost 7 years now has been little to no help even though I’ve been nothing but loyal and dedicated as they blossomed from a little rink-a-dink one show operation into a transcontinental & international company with celebrity backers and the other place I work at to supplement more income (because NYC is expensive as hell) refuses to let me work there until I’m back to 100% health. With zero money coming in from anywhere and literally 20¢ to my name, Hospital bills and overdue rent & utilities are starting to pile up. At least I have a roof over my head…for now.
I’m unable to work, ineligible for unemployment or disability, my healthcare is inactive, and my folks are pretty much pointing their fingers in my direction to solve this whole mess. I pretty much can’t do a goddamn thing, and I’m going more and more insane.
It’s super hard for me to celebrate a “happy” new year when things are so gargantuanly fucked at the moment. I apologize if I’ve been a grumpy little whiny cunt the last couple weeks to some of you, but I’ve never been this helpless before in my life and I’m using every ounce of energy I have not to completely lose my shit.
I really fuckin’ hope the Mayans were right about 2012. If not, maybe in the coming year I’ll get lucky and have life decides to not continue to shit on me like a construction site port-a-john next to a taco truck.
Well, the trailer for the Three Stooges movie is here. Thoughts?
UPDATE: I was talking to Sal and he was saying how he had to stop watching this after the nun in the bikini bit (super model Kate Upton!). I just rewatched it and I’m now obsessed with how the trailer editors cut together two completely different scenes from that part which makes it now appear like there’s a community swimming pool just sitting on the side of a highway.
Okay, Jon, you win. I’ll reblog this, even though I told you specifically two minutes ago that I wouldn’t. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
Yeah, I stopped watching when Kate Upton appeared in a habit-themed bikini. Although I agree with Ryan, who found Larry’s “headache” bit funny. Other than that, I mean, this looks horrible, right? This is our latest national disgrace, yes?
Who knows, maybe it will be good and true to the the stooges. I have little faith, though, given the Farrelly Brothers’ recent track record. It’s sad to me that the comedy team that (at least partially) created the character of Ernie McCracken, maybe the greatest comedic villain of all time, is now responsible for stuff like this.
I’m not even a Three Stooges fan - at all - but I find this horrible.
When I heard there was a Three Stooges movie coming out I assumed it was a fictionalized retelling of the story of their lives and careers. Like Chaplin or something. But this is … a fake Three Stooges movie. They can’t make real ones any more. The Three Stooges were not characters, they were a vaudeville act and those were their real names. You can replace the actor who plays James Bond all you want, he’s just a character. The Stooges aren’t characters and you can’t replace them!
Is somebody going to do a fake Marx Brothers movie next? Then a fake Woody Allen movie? What is going on here?
This is weird and bizarre.
It originally was supposed to be a retelling with Jim Carrey and Sean Penn. When the script changed, the two of them dropped out.
This looks terrible….everyone goes on about checking out at the bathing suit nun, they lost me 20 seconds in with Larry David as a nun. WTF?
A list of things that don’t make sense to me every time I watch Back to the Future.
- Lorraine likes the name Marty so much that she waits until her third kid to use it.
- George and Lorraine don’t notice that their third child looks just like Calvin (Marty) Klein.
- George needs his car waxed so he hires Biff, the man who once tried to rape his wife. And it seems Biff is allowed in and out of the house whenever. Did George forget that Biff TRIED TO RAPE HIS WIFE?
- In the present Marty creates with his actions in the past, his parents are well off, yet still live in the same crappy house.
- In the new present, Marty’s brother “always wears a suit to the office” and yet he still lives with his parents.
- In the new present, Marty’s sister’s still ugly with the same personality, yet boys can’t get enough (Okay. That one’s mean.).
- When Marty goes back to the present 15 minutes early, he watches Doc get shot. He watches the Libyans chase after his other self in the time machine, with their van. He watches the time machine disappear and the Libyans crash their van. Marty then runs to Doc to see if he is alright. They have nice slow moments together. Meanwhile, off camera, the Libyans are most likely getting out of their van with their guns that still work.
- Doc comes back from the future at the end to tell Marty and Jen that they have to go to the future because “something has to be done about their kids.” Doc COULD just tell them what it is that they need to prevent in the future for their kids. They don’t actually need to go to the future.